What is my approach to breastfeeding? Well, it's complex.
Let’s start from the beginning.
From the moment I thought and said that I'm ready to have
a baby I knew I would breastfeed. Actually I didn't much think about it, it was
not a choice, it was something that was in my head and heart always. During
those 3 years when we were trying to conceive, I imagined myself with a baby on
my breast quite a few times. All the medical statistics about why breast is
best were not the main reason, it was always about feelings.
We were lucky, both Z and me. After very difficult and long labour I was terrified that I would have to deal with nipple and breast pain as well as complications from severe episiotomy. Luckily, from the very first minute Z knew what to do and she did it like a pro! No pain, no problems, even the day my milk came in, I felt no pain. Of course my nipples were a bit sore but I got silver nipple shields from my midwife and they did the trick in no time. Each feed took a long time as Z would fall asleep every 2 minutes but she was gaining more than enough weight. She was a month old when she was diagnosed with reflux and cow milk allergy. Her paediatrician recommended increasing the gaps between feeds to at least 2,5 hours, ideally 3h. After 2 or 3 weeks we got there but it was a nightmare. My baby screamed and cried; I would hide in the bathroom with my head under the shower to tune out her screams and cried with her.
When she was 4 months old, our paediatrician told me to
stop feeding at night; when she was 6 months he insisted but I still could not
resist. The problem was that not only she still wasn’t sleeping through the night;
she would wake up 7-10 times every
night. I slept on a folding couch in her room. It was getting worse and worse
every night. Finally, during our 9 month check-up the doctor sat me down for an
hour-long conversation about her sleep problems and breastfeeding. He was very
strict but also very sympathetic. I must have looked like a zombie back then.
He explained that eating at night is not good for baby her age, her stomach
should have a break from digesting, that she would likely eat more solids
during the day if I stopped feeding her at night. Not to mention the toll it
was taking on me and my health. So we started sleep training. It was not
pleasant but it was far easier than I expected.
She's now almost 11 months old. Most of the time she
sleeps through the night but sometimes breastfeeding is the only way for our
small family to get some sleep. I'm not proud of resorting to feeding her at
night, I don't like doing it. I feel like I'm sending her mixed signals, which
I think is very unfair to a child. It probably makes them feel insecure and
uncertain.
My ideal breastfeeding situation would be to feed 3 times
a day - morning, lunch and good night. But you can’t really make plans when you
have a baby; at least I can't, I'm too weak. Recently, Z suddenly Z changed her
sleeping habits. She now needs my boobs and then to be cuddled in my arms. I
can put her down only when she's in a deep sleep, a second too early and she
turns into a hysterical beast. I can’t say no
but deep inside I know it's not good for her to have such a strong sleep
association. I believe that babies need structure and routine in their lives to
make them feel secure. And on the top of that, I feel that nursing to sleep it
is an addiction, a very strong habit. And that can’t be good for you. I know it
makes Z relaxed and she loves it but she will also love chocolate when she’s a
bit bigger. Does that mean I should give her chocolate every time she wants it?
Should I always give her everything she wants? Ok, chocolate is not a good
example, breast milk is far better health-wise but there's more to it than
health. Whether we like it or not, motherhood is about setting boundaries. I
don't know if letting your child do what they want means they’d grow up to me a
monster but I'm sure it won't make them feel secure.
A friend of mine with a baby similar age to Z tells me my
approach is only practical. Well, mainly yes but what is wrong with that? Our
approach to raising children is based on who we are, our general approach to
life. I was always very organised, I love schedules, my house was always tidy.
My obsession to clean and put everything in its place is a balance to my
internal mess. Also, I was strongly guided by my paediatrician. Maybe I would
still breastfeed on demand if it
wasn’t for her reflux and allergies? Maybe I would still breastfeed on demand
if I gave birth in a different country? You are right D., my dear friend.
Breastfeeding for me is mainly about feeding, but on the other hand I cannot
resist calming Z with milk to put her to sleep, both day and night. As I said,
it's complex.
One last thing, to be completely honest... First few
months of motherhood I breastfed 7-9 times a day, now we are down to a maximum
of 4 and will be down to 2 soon. I want my baby to be able to fall asleep
without breastfeeding mainly because it will give me a bit of freedom, which I
desperately need lately. My husband or a babysitter could put her to sleep and
I could go out and not worry.
Whatever you choose to do with breastfeeding is always
fine. It's who you are. Just remember not to judge others. There is no evidence
that any way of bringing up children is better than the other (except for some
details).
Tip for beginners: arm yourself with some silver shields for your
sore nipples (they may always become useful later, when your baby is teething).
